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| Much has changed in the past week or so. I moved back to Mississippi because I just couldn't take anymore of the stress that was keeping me depressed in Atl. I got an awesome little house with 2 of my really good friends and as much as I miss Michael, I know that he is still there and that I'll see him soon.
The only reason that I am not sitting in my room with no lights on and being my anti-social, sad little fuck, is because of one person who doesn't really know just how much they mean to me. They make me proud every moment of every day and I never get enough chances to tell him that. He's always there right behind me incase something was to go wrong or to turn for the worst. It's like knowing that no matter what war zone or battle field you are in at that moment in your life, you'll always have enough protection to make it from day to day until the end when you'll come out victorious all because of the hope and the spirit that this person gives me. I couldn't have made it through alot the shit that I had to go through last year if he wasn't a part of my life. He's my best friend and I love him with all my heart.
In other news.....the same person that I was talking about in the last ramble is in a band called The Start Up. They played their first show last night at the Joint and were absolutely STUPENDOUS. Going on very little practice, the three walked on to the stage with heads held high and played the most kick ass show I have seen in a long time. The band has such great charisma and stage presence. They work together to become one amazing sound that leaves you in complete awe of what your ears had just experienced. If you ever get the chance to check them out I strongly suggest that you do so. Check out their music on their My Space page....www.myspace.com/thestartup
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| People always would tell me that 18 is the worst year of your life.
It's where you become an adult and you'll be so confused on what you
want to do. The fact that they left out was that confusion doesn't go
away after your 18th year. I'm 20 years old, about to 21 and I have no
idea what I want to do with my life. I moved to Atlanta to get a change
of scenery and to see if that's where I really wanted to be. It's
almost been 2 months since I've been here and I just don't feel
at home. Home is where you make it right? Well, now Michael and I are
at the point in our relationship where he wants to live in Atlanta and
I would be happy in Mississippi. It's hard to find a compromise. We've
sat down for hours and hours trying to find a way that we can both be
happy. I don't want to live in Mississippi without him while he works
in Miami or works in Atlanta. At the same time I don't want to be in
Miami or in Atlanta and be miserable. I know that I won't be miserable
in Miami because it's only going to be for a short while. I want to get
down there and get the job over with because everything lies on this
job! If we are successful with this job it will open alot more
oppurtunities for us and if we're not we're going to be in Atlanta alot
longer. This job will give Michael the expeirence and references he
will need to go back to Mississippi and work there. It will also give
me the same thing. We'll be able to be much more successful in
Mississippi if this all goes well. God, you'd think that parents,
teachers and other advisors would give you this warning before you set
out into the real world. Even after college it doesn't get any better.
You're still fending for yourself. I know too many people that have
gone to college and still haven't had any luck with getting a job and
making it big. That's why I'm not all gung ho for a college education.
I don't think it makes much of a difference. I'm not saying "don't go
to college it's bullshit" but I am saying that if you don't go to
college with a plan to major in a specific field, it's not going to be
any easier out in the real world. What the hell is the "real" world
anyway? I've never really understood that term. Does it mean the the
world we have been living in our whole lives hasen't been the real
thing? I mena, I understand that it means we have to deal with shit by
ourselves and not have anything handed to us by our parents but the
term "real world" just doesn't make any sense to me.
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| Today sucked, so what would make tonight any different? The things in
your past that you are not very proud of you sometimes bring up in the
form of a joke right? Well this time the reaction was not very funny. I
know I have told Michael everything about when I was single and all the
mistakes that I made and so on and so forth but he apparently forgot
one little thing and now he's all pissed off at me and sleeping on the
couch! This just does not make my homesickness any better. I'm really
thinking about letting him go to Miami without me while I go home to
Mississippi. We talked about it tonight and this little spiff that we
are having right now just makes me want to go home even more. I know it
just comes with the territory of being in a pretty serious relationship
in which you live with the person and everything but for Christ sake at
least talk about it. I love Michael more than I do my own life and I
would never lie to him about anything, I have done my best to clear up
every rumor, every lie and every question he had about my life when we
were broken up for those two months and what I think to be nothing
anymore he still thinks is a big deal. I don't want to do
anything to hurt this relationship, I wouldn't ever think of doing
anything like that. I guess sometimes I just forget that I am talking
to my boyfriend and not my best friend who wouldn't really care about
what I did back in October. Don't get me wrong, Michael is my best
friend and everything but when you start dating someone you lose that
ability to tell them EVERYTHING and know that they are going to be ok
with it and not take it personally. Fuck it....I'm going to smoke a
cigarette.
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| Wow, I didn't realize just how tired I was when I was typing that last entry...
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| Right now I"m at my friend Matt Gaine's house. I got to spend time with my old friend Elliot tonight. I haven't seen him in forever and my God, I never really realized how much I actually missed him. I love him so much, he's such an awesome guy who just tries to make things right. He just makes me laugh and have a good time no matter what the situation it is and he and I can always just sit down and talk about the most fucked up shit ever. I love that about him, we just go out for one ciggarret and end up talking for like an hour just about how much our lives are similuar. I love that kid so much. I also love Matt Gaines. He and I just get along so well. I've been hanging out with him like everyday since I"ve been back. I've really missed him. God, I've missed everyone. I haven't seen Ginny yet but hopefully tomorrow I"ll get to see her. I really do enjoy Atlanta but at the same time I really want to move back here. I miss everyone so much. I didn't get to hang out Michelle or Maggie which are two other people that I really want to see before we leave. I hope that Michael lets me how a party tomorrow with everyone there.
Chappell was out at Brent's land tonight and I didn't go because I just hate it. I don't enjoy being around her and when I am around her I feel really bad because I feel like there is so much tension surrounding the fact that she and I are in the presence of each other that I feel like I'm ruining everyone's time because one of us is going to have to leave and I know she won't because she thinks she's better than that or some bullshit like htat. Oh well, fuck that .I don't care. I had an awesome night hainging out iwth Elliot, Michael, Matt and Jimmy and Jordan. God I want to move back home so badly although Atl. really does kick ass.
I bought 5 cds the other day. I bought Muse, the Faint, Garden State Soundtrack, Motion City Soundtrack and the Strokes new album...it's really fucking good. So are the rest of them .
Well, I'm going to go because the weather is starting to get back and I think I need to get off the computer by now. Later dudes!
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